The Whereabouts of Happiness
by Chibi Lurrel
Summary: Okays, this has nothing to do with the episode of that name, at least I don't think so...I don't know how to describe this...angst! Very much angst, and implied shounen ai but I'm not sure if I wanna follow through...oh well, just READ IT!


Disclaimer- I do not own Gundam Wing. I own this story and a refrigerator box and that's about it, so I'd be no fun too sue. All original characters are mine, so nyah. You can't have them! ^.^

Warnings-Not much shounen ai yet, though it is discussed, and it will probably show up later. This has nothing to do with the episode of that name (there is an episode of this name, right?) it just got stuck in my head. Umm, I stole some of the names from the Banana Yoshimoto book the quote below is from. It's a good book, y'all should read it! ^.^ I don't own that, either =P I apologize if this doesn't make any sense, I'm sick and have a cold and can't think right now. So =P 

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"The Whereabouts of Happiness"

by Chibi Lurrel

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"Daily life was filled with dozens of 

special things. It felt like a faraway dream.

So simple it felt foolish.

So cursed it was beautiful."

-**Amrita**, a novel by Banana Yoshimoto

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Duo stared down at his hands. The pale slender fingers clenched into fists. Damn _it._ Today hadn't been a good day. Not a good day at all.

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First of all, it was annoying enough that he had to share a dorm room with Heero. Again. Heero was _so boring_ to room with. He was a horrible conversationalist, for one, and he never wanted to have any fun. Duo'd get invited to parties, only to be told not to go, since he's draw attention to himself. It wasn't Duo's fault he was a babe magnet! Besides, parties were good places to go off and drink himself blind and forget about things for awhile. Heero didn't like to drink, he said it was stupid to willingly dull your own senses. 

Even that would be okay if Heero didn't just sit there and *ignored* Duo when they were both in the dorm together. He could at least show some sort of response when Duo talked to him. Damn. Heero didn't even care how much it hurt him when he did that. One of these days he was going to have to ask Heero to go out with him to dinner. Yeah, and hope not to get a fist in the jaw as an answer. It had happened before when Duo had simply pushed him over the edge. 

Duo sighed and ran his fingers through his bangs. One of his classmates had invited him to a club meeting. It was a poetry club, or that's what Duo remembered. It sounded like fun, anyway, and he wanted to go. It wasn't as if he needed to ask Heero for permission or anything. He'd just leave a note, so he wouldn't worry. The thought of Heero worrying about anything of the sort brought a grim sort of smile to his lips. Heh. 

Duo changed into something stylish, scribbled out a note, and flounced out.

"Heero-

I'm going to a poetry club meeting. I won't be back until later, if I'm lucky, so don't wait up.

-Duo"

Heero scowled at the slip of paper with Duo's oddly elegant scrawl on it. Let Duo have his fun. If he got in trouble, it was his own fault anyway. He didn't see why Duo even cared about things like parties. Heero couldn't help but feel that all the students he interacted with daily were shallow and careless. They had no grasp on the world around them, instead they were distracted with on the insignificant dramas happening in the school with their friends. No one *they* knew was involved with the war, why should they care, or even form and opinion about it? Shallow, uncaring, naive, innocents souls, un-tainted and un-affected. Let Duo have his fun.

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Duo walked down through the empty halls at around 6. It was still early, but the sky was growing dark anyway. It was rather unnerving. He couldn't help but be relieved when he finally arrived at the doorway. Late enough to be noticed, early enough not to be late. He made sure to note things like that.

When Duo stepped inside, he was surprised to only find about 6 or 7 people there. It was a smaller club than he had thought, which rather disappointed him. He enjoyed crowds, he simply melt into them and let the group consciousness envelop him and carry him. But this seemed to be a very tight-knit group of people. Darn.

A girl jumped up and walked over to meet him. "Ah, you must be Duo Maxwell! My name is Mikiko, and I run this club! Welcome!" She shook his hand vigorously and with a wide grin. "Hey!" 

"Let me introduce you to everybody!"

Mikiko walked him around the room, and introduced everyone to him. They all gave him a similar smile, bright and happy and accepting, as if they were all eager to share something important with him. It sort of un-nerved him in a way. They all seemed as though they knew something he didn't, almost as if they were better than he was. He didn't like it. But he did like their attitudes. All the members of the poetry club seemed to be open and friendly and understanding. Well, somewhat understanding. He always felt separate from everyone else. He was a soldier, a terrorist, and the children at all the schools he had been to always seemed un-affected, as though the outside world had no meaninig to them. The children there, though, in that small and dimly lit classroom seemed to be more conscious and aware. It was rather comforting.

"So, is that it?" Duo asked Mikiko after being introduced.

"Well, no, two people aren't here. One isn't coming, but you'll meet him after the meeting, and the other, well, I'm not sure if she's going to..."

At that precise moment, the door burst open with a clang, and a girl stepped in. She was tall, with long, loosely bound dark hair and black clothing on. She grinned, and expression that struck Duo as being oddly melancholy. What drew his gaze, though, were her eyes. They were dark, darker that a girl of her age's eyes should be, dark from experience and long-felt suffering. He saw Heero in her eyes, and it frightened him. 

She looked around. "It's good to be back!" she cried in rapid and fluid Japanese. Her voice was soft and rich, with an accent Duo couldn't place. It was just the sort of voice he would associate with a girl like her. Everyone jumped up and embraced her, babbling things about how they were happy she was back, even for just a little while, and how glad they were she wasn't hurt. Duo simply stood back and watched, confused. _Perhaps she's a soldier..._

Mikiko dragged her over to him by the arm. "Sakura, this is Duo Maxwell. He's new to the school, but someone found him interesting enough to invite here!" Sakura smiled her sad smile and shook his hand, looking into his own amethyst eyes with her cloudy gray ones. He almost jumped. It wasn't Heero he saw in her eyes. It was himself. It was Trowa. Wufei. Quatre. Heero.... She was a soldier. "Ah, Duo Maxwell, eh? I'm Sakura Kobayashi!" 

He returned her smile. "I haven't seen you in school. Are you in a grade higher than me?"

She shook her head. "Nope. I'm in the army now! Mobile Suit pilot for OZ, at your service!"

Duo blanched. "A...an OZ pilot? Aren't you a bit young....?"

She smiled again. "Ah, well, yes I am. I lied about my age. I had to, you know. They offer collage benefits, and this was my only option...and things... But I'm sure my life story would simply bore you. What's yours?"

Sakura took a seat near the back, by Mikiko, Duo, and a boy who had been introduced as Ken. "There's not much to tell about me. I'm simply an exchange student."

She nodded, then turned to Mikiko. "So, tell me, is Daniel coming or what?" 

Mikiko looked down at her feet. "I'm afraid not. He told me he's meet us after the meeting. You know."

"Ah. So, shall we begin?"

The meeting was actually pretty interesting, much to Duo's surprise. They read an old poem, by the name of _Howl_, in both English and Japanese and discussed how the meaning differed in the translations. More poetry was read and discussed, a few by famous authors, a few written by the club members. Duo had never considered himself a poetry monger, but it intrigued him. He liked the atmosphere of the poetry readings, the way that everyone there seemed perfectly comfortable with baring their souls with their readings and taking constructive criticism with a smile. It reminded him of a family, families that he used to see wandering the streets during holiday times, laughing and happy...

Mikiko turned to him. "Do you have anything to read, Duo?" He could feel his ears turn red. "Uh..I'm afraid I didn't think to bring anything..." Laughter bubbled up. "That's alright. There's always next meeting!" "Yeah. I'll try to bring something then." Duo knew that was a lie. He would never be around for another meeting. Always on the move. The life of a Gundam Pilot. C'est a la vive.

The meeting slowly came to a close when the meaningful discussion slowed to a trickle and was replaced by local gossip, most of which was lost on Duo. He was content to simply watch them, though. The way the poetry club members' faces looked in the dim light around the table. He wasn't really listening, he was just letting the voices and the sound wash over him. It was soothing and it reminded him why he liked being around people so much. 

Sakura stood up. "Well, I think this meeting is pretty much adjourned! Who's up for the beach? Just like old times, neh?"

"Hai!" That was Ken.

Other shouts of agreements rang through the small classroom, and the small group of around 10 children rose and walked out of the room, apparently headed toward the beach. Duo stepped up beside Sakura. 

"So, I assume this club does this often?"

"Oh, yes! We all head out to the boardwalk afterwards, get something to drink, walk along the beach. You know, things like that. It's quite fun."

"It sounds like it. I wish I could stay longer with you all."

She looked him in the eyes. "Eh? You're American, aren't you?"

"Huh?" Duo's turn to be confused. "Well, I suppose so. I'm from the colonies, really. English was my first language. How do you know?"

Sakura shrugged. "Accent. I speak English, you know. Is this more comfortable for you?" she asked, slipping into a comfortable English.

Duo sighed. "I don't know. It doesn't really matter. So, who is this Daniel I keep hearing about?"

She laughed. It was a pleasant laugh, warm and round. "He's...like my best friend, you know. I guess you could call him my boyfriend. Do you have a girlfriend? What do you mean by you can't come to any other meetings?"

Duo must have looked quite confused, because she laughed and cried, "Never mind! Let me guess. Hmmm. You're a soldier, aren't you?"

"Um.."

"I'm right, aren't I? I can see it on your face! I'm on leave, too, but I think enrolling in school seems like a waste with so little time. Besides, there's time for things like that after the war, and that way you get benefits!"

Duo had nothing to say to this. He was shocked. Had she seen the same thing in his eyes? He stared into her face, looking up into her gray eyes. "Ah..."

Sakura started off running, the others giggling and running after her to catch up. Mikiko held back, slowing down enough to stand near Duo. "She always do this?" Mikiko giggled. "No, not normally. Saku-chan is just eager to see her boyfriend!" Duo laughed. "Ah. Now that I understand!" Mikiko raised an eyebrow. "Eh? Do you have one?" His eyes widened. "What're you implying!? No, of course not!!!" "Oh. You have a problem with that sort of thing? Because Ken was telling me he thought you were cute, and he'd like to go to dinner or something, but if you're not cool with that..." 

Duo's eyes widened even more. "No! Gah, I don't know what to think now! But I don't have a problem with it. It might be fun." For some reason Heero came to mind, and he felt guilty for thinking it might be fun. He shook his head, confused and growing increasingly unhappy. "Is she really an OZ pilot?" She nodded. "Yup. She's on leave because she was severely wounded during a recent attack and her leg is still healing. Did you see she has a limp?" Duo hadn't. "It must be hard to be a pilot at that age, don't you think Duo?" He shrugged and they walked the rest of the way to the beach in silence.

Her prior questions had made him feel uncomfortable. Duo had never had to question his own sexuality before. It was simply not an issue. But now... He didn't know. And it wasn't simply that. He looked down at the ground as he walked, watched the grass fade into silvery sand. The beach was faintly illuminated with the harsh lights of the nearby businesses on the boardwalk and the large moon that hung over the ocean. That combined with the twinkling stars made for a breath-taking sight. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Duo wished to share this vision with Heero, wanted to reach out and grasp his hand... He shook his head and looked down across the beach. Duo saw a definite female figure running nimbly across the sand toward someone else. Sakura. The other one was Daniel, he presumed. Duo watched as the dark figured met, Sakura leaping in his arms and Daniel spinning her around.

"Saku-chan! I thought I'd never see you again!"

"Daniel!"

It went on from there. He smiled and sighed, wishing for someone to share the evening with. Mikiko had long since abandoned him to stand alone at the far end of the beach. Duo felt a hard lump form in his stomach as further snatches of conversation floated up towards him. 

"I can't believe what happened! Are you better now?" 

Laughter, followed by, "Oh yes! They took good care of me, and I should be back in a couple of weeks."

"No! I don't want you to leave! You...could be killed! No! I won't let you!"

The boy clutched her closer, and his voice sounded choked as though he was crying. Duo couldn't bear to watch anymore. Truth was staring him in the face. He wanted to punch it. He wanted to cry.

"The Gundams are liable to attack. You can't risk piloting against them!"

"I have to Daniel. It's my duty. As a soldier."

"Do you even believe in OZ ideals!? What are you fighting for, anyway?"

They had made their way down the beach, closer to Duo.

"I...don't know. I just know I want it to end. It doesn't matter who wins! Life will go on! Haven't you noticed how the Earth's citizens seem so unaffected by it all? It's almost the same on the colonies! It's simply a small group of people causing all of this, anyway. So what if one side wins? The standard of living might rise, it may drop. People will note it. Some will be un-content. They'll rebel. War will happen again. It's a never ending cycle, don't you see? So, in a way, I fight so maybe it will be over quicker. I need the money, Daniel. For the future. For us."

They kissed. Duo turned and ran.

All those nameless soldiers he had killed in battle. All of them had family, reasons for fighting. Reasons for living. He had ended it. How many hearts had he broken, by killing their loved ones? How many sparkling individuals had he killed? He couldn't count. And he had enjoyed it. How many children like Sakura had been sacrificed?

He was at the dorm. If someone had asked him how he got there, he wouldn't for the life of him been able to give them an answer. Duo threw open the door, hoping that Heero wouldn't be there, so he wouldn't have to think about those problems, too.

Damn. Heero was there, reading some book on while lying on his bed. He glanced up. "Hello. Have a good time?" 

"Go to Hell!" Duo flung himself on his bed, clutching a pillow to his face and breathing heavily. 

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Heero was puzzled, and more than a bit worried. Something had obviously upset him at that poetry reading, and Heero couldn't think of one reason why that would be. "Duo..."

"Leave me alone!"

"Just tell me what happened!"

"I don't want to talk about it! Especially not to *you*!" His voice was dripping with anger and hurt and confusion. This angered Heero, but a small but of him was hurt. What was so bad that he couldn't talk to him about it?

"Tell me. Please?"

Duo turned on his side, his body shaking with quiet sobs. Heero moved over to the other boy's bed, sitting on the side. "Please?"

Duo sat up, looking frantically into Heero's eyes. They mirrored Sakura's. They mirrored his own. Duo needed someone, anyone. He threw himself into Heero's arms, burying his face into the said boy's shoulder. "Oh God! Heero, there was a girl there who was an OZ pilot! She was on leave because she was injured. But she'll be back. I'm her friend now. She has a boyfriend. Friends. Family, Heero! A *life worth living!* And what if in the next battle I'm in, I kill her? How many people like her have I killed? Oh, Heero, if you had seen her eyes. They were like yours'. Like mine. Like Quatre's and Trowa's and Wufei's. A soldier's eyes! I can't stand it! She was like us!"

He sobbed and wrapped his arms around Heero tighter. Heero was shocked. He never thought about the pilot's in enemy suits. It was so much easier if you didn't think they were there. If you couldn't hear the scream.

Heero tightened his embrace around his hysterical friend. He was worried. He didn't want these thoughts, he never wanted to think about things like that. Just who was in that mobile suit across from you? A girl-child your own age with a boyfriend at home? A twenty-year old man waiting to go to collage? He shook his hand, rubbing soothing circles onto Duo's back. His sobs had slipped away to gentle whimpers. Heero couldn't begin to think like that. He was a soldier. There was no room for feelings like that as a soldier. Duo looked up into his eyes, and Heero gasped. There was a surging emotion behind the maddening sadness dwelling there, raging and flowing like a river. "Thanks, Heero. I...I think I'm gonna take a shower and go to sleep." He spoke in English, which struck him as odd. Duo normally spoke to him in Japanese, he had always assumed that was easier for the boy. Of course, he knew and understood English, but still...

Heero dropped his arms. "Of course, Duo." His voice sounded flat. As Duo retreated into the bathroom, Heero pulled back the covers and got into bed. He wanted to be asleep when Duo came back in. The feeling lurking in his gaze had frightened him, yet excited him at the same time. And he knew, that at that moment, Duo's eyes had mirrored his own.

~To Be Continued........if you people review and tell me too.......~

AN-So, whatcha think? Shall I continue this? I apologize for any weird grammar or anything that's hard to understand, because I'm writing this and I'm sick right now . Labor Day Weekend, four days off, and I have to catch a cold. Damn. Life sucks. Ah well. Review, k? Criticism welcome, but keep in mind I didn't revise this. I should, but nyah, who cares. It beats doing homework, though, since I can't think. blah. Urg. I want to sleep and I don't wanna go to school tomorrow and face the devil in the guise of a jolly band director. Ag... Okays, anyways I'll stop this right now... Review...uh...bye bye...


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